The First Time

The First Time

He came round the next night after a day of texts explaining what would happen to me.  I spent the entire day panicking that my flat wasn’t perfect – everything had to be in it’s place, which with a child (who was at his fathers house that night) is near on impossible.  Well I made it possible…the draw to do right by my new Dom was great even when he wasn’t with me and everytime I half did a task, I went back and did it perfectly feeling as though he was watching over me.  I loved that but it meant that even before he arrived I could feel my heart beating a sometimes irregular beat which threatened to hurt my throat it was so heavy  By the time he was in my flat my heart was on it’s way out through my mouth, so heavy were the thuds.  I chose a simple strappy tea dress with buttoning down the front which only managed to highlight the activity going on in my chest. He came in and I stood back while he surveyed the room.  “Very nice” he said…my heart exploded with elation. How was this near stranger having this effect on me?  No one makes me want to clean my flat…I am not one of life’s tidier’s…I’d rather cuddle my son, paint my nails, write a blog or watch TV! Anything but sort and organise.

But that’s not such a bad side affect to having a Dom I suppose.

He led me into the bedroom and held me for the briefest of moments, but long enough for me to became aware again of my heart trying to escape my body. He pulled away and looked at me before placing his hand onto my heart and feeling its erratic beating.  I was embarrassed I recall and looked down. And away from him.  He kissed my forehead and knelt me down.  He then pulled my hands gently behind my back and linked them on to the opposite elbow.  “Have you eaten?” He asked me and I shock my head and said, “No Sir, I’ve been too distracted to even think about it. I’m not hungry.”

“You will eat later”, he commanded.

In truth I had been having oversized butterflies playing in my tummy all day at the thought of seeing him again, at the images I had built up in my head of what tonight would hold, and about this whole new world opening up to me. For some reason I didn’t want to express this…he’d felt and seen my heart pounding and heard my breathe, jagged at its every beat – that was enough of a give away as to my state of mind and growing feelings, for now.


Left kneeling there, he went into the lounge and order food to be delivered later on.  The waiting made it worse…I looked down at my heart and realised I was physically breathless.  The pounding was so huge it was somehow affecting my lungs’ ability to allow me to breathe and I even considered that I might be ill or about to have an asthema attack or faint.  I was panicked by this new sensation of breathlessness and was relieved when he came back into the room as I realised I was just excited beyond anything I had ever felt and my body was simply reacting to that.  He was opening me up to an experience no man had offered to me before, and as with your first time having sex, this was my first time as a real sub, or as much of one as you can be when you are just starting out and before the deeper emotion has developed between you both.

I knew there and then I didn’t just want s/D sex play, I wanted more than that.  Needed it in fact.  All that time on my own, holding my own life together, it made me realise that I wanted someone to rely on, but more than that, someone who could help me grow and learn and cherish myself and believe in myself.  But first, I had see whether or not I could deal with the pain aspect.


I’d always loved to be spanked and name calling was a favourite.  If a man called me ‘Little Slut’ in the heat of the moment then I was all his.  But being specifically spanked as opposed to spanking-play during sex was new to me.  He helped me up, sat on the bed and bent me over his knees so I was facing the full length mirror leaning against the wall.

He began. 

He started stroking my backside and exploring it with his hands…it was all very relaxing until the first spank and my senses prickled and the adrenalin began to flood my veins.  That was a very nice smack I remember thinking…lets see if he can keep that up.  He could!  Looking at me in the mirror, we locked eyes and he spanked me until I struggled to hold the gaze a moment longer, I was so turned on, and my eyes closed instinctively and my head dropped.  “Head up” he commanded before venturing further and finding me soaking wet.  He changing between spanking and playing with me until I could quite literally not take another moment…it was all SO good.

Fifteen minutes or so after we began, he picked me up, lay me on the bed and said “I wouldn’t normally do this but you took your first punishment so well that I’ll reward you”, before parking his tongue between my legs and not taking it away until he had made me come.   Exhausted, elated, ecstatic, he rolled me on to my side, stroked my head and left me there while he went to get the food ready.

After 5 minutes or perhaps 5 years of wallowing in sleepy bliss, he came back in, lifted me up into his arms and carried me into the livingroom where he had laid out dinner.  He placed me carefully in the seat and watched me for a moment.

“Is it over?” I asked.

“Yes” he said.  I remember smiling and thinking, I did it and I could have physically dealt, easily, with so much more.

I am worthy and prepared for this lifestyle I thought.


After dinner that same evening, we sat on the sofa and chatted and kissed for two hours.  We marvelled at how easy it was to just be together without the TV…just too kinks enjoying one anothers’ company, knowing that we each entirely accepted the other in all our non-vanilla glory.

“So what about you?” I asked.  “Aside from enjoying spanking me, when do you get your release?”  That clearly sparked something in his mind because next second I found my hand lazily stroking his beautiful, big cock.  I couldn’t have been more thrilled to discover it – how perfect it was.  And how yummy I soon discovered as I looked up into his eyes, as commanded, while sucking.  When with the right man, this is one of my favourite past times, and as soon as I had swallowed up I found myself over his knees on the sofa with his fingers inside me working my g-spot.  Oh what a fabulous discovery.  It had been accidentally played with from time to time in my sexual past and I had always enjoyed the sensation but in his delicious hands it became the easiest route to an on-going, endless journey of pleasure – if he chose to keep going all night then so would the amazing sensations…making it my new favourite play – and in some ways, far better than just one clitoral orgasm.


His fingers soon found their way further up to his favourite area though.  I’d never had a problem with ass play, in fact I quietly enjoyed it although I’d never be the first to mention it.  If a man asked, I may or may not have allowed him to pay any attention to it – it depended on how my inner Little Slut was feeling at the time.  Well apparently she was very happy and content almost immediately in his care because he spent a lot of up close and personal time there and she loved every second.

“Do you feel exposed?” he asked me at one point. 

“No” I said, I feel safe. 



The One with the Friends

The One with the Friends

We saw one another again the next night.  He took me to meet his friends infact.  Three days and meeting the friends…I couldn’t quite believe that any man wears his heart that firmly on his sleeve.  When they asked how long we had been seeing one another his perfectly straight answer of “Three days” made me laugh out loud with the ridiculousness of the situation.

A small part of me felt like I had known him forever.

That is until I made a joke about him and his friend and their inability to change a light bulb.  As usual, my own joke made me laugh, but one look at his eyes made me see the error in my ways. I love that look.  Sometimes now, I go out of my way to be The Brat just so I can watch his eyes change.  That was the first time I felt uncomfortable under that gaze though as his friends watched his face drop.  That was misdemeanor number one for The List which we collate as and when I make mistakes which I need training in, or punishing for.  

‘I must not mock my Dominant.’

For the rest of the evening he held me close, kissed me almost embarrassingly excessively in front of these two people I had never met, to the point I heard his friend say to his wife “Young love”.  I wouldn’t have gone that far, but what is a sub to say when her charming, handsome Dominant wants to kiss her?

It is not my place to say no.

I had to remember that but when the wife was trying to talk to me and he was demanding I look at him, I found it all a bit overwhelming as Miss Independent clashed with my blossoming sub tendencies.  Continue the conversation or look at the man whose eyes I never want to leave?  In this case, Miss Independent won out…Misdemeanor number two was added to the list.

‘I must not ignore my Dominant’. 

 We ended the night with a kiss and a promise of straightening out my growing list the next evening.  My heart raced as the taxi took me home as my mind built up ideas of how the next evening would go.  It felt like I was a virgin again…scared but excited at the prospect of my ‘First Time’.  Although I was determined I would not sleep with Mr A the next night, in my heart I knew that if he demanded it, I would.  I suppose that was when I realized I could place quiet challenges upon him too.  Despite my newness to the reality of this world, I understood that to be a good Dom, he must respect his sub, no matter what happens between them – she must always be his Princess.  I knew that if he expected me to sleep with me the next night, he was not the Dom I believed he could be.

I went to bed that night hoping for the right outcome.  I got it.


When fantasy becomes reality…
The First Steps

The First Steps

We met by my local pub and started with a walk.  We were crossing the road when I went to drag Mr A back the other way before I felt a sharp tug and found myself staring into those intense eyes.   “Don’t pull me like that”, he commanded in a quiet voice before kissing my hand and leading me back the way I was trying to take him.  Something peaceful entered my body and I felt myself soften in a way I hadn’t felt before.  When we entered the pub, we found ourselves waiting for ten minutes for service and he spent that time holding me gentley around the waist and kissing my cheek and neck.  Considering this was our second date and my normal reaction to such attention from a near stranger would be discomfort and edging away, I felt surprisingly comfortable and at ease under his gaze and caresses.  We spent a happy evening drinking good wine, laughing, chatting, getting to know each other face to face as opposed to over text and generally developing our understanding of one another and our needs and desires as a natural submissive and Dominant.

You must rememeber that whilst my natural instinct is ‘sub’, but having never had a Dominant before, I was utterly untrained.  My learnt character as an Miss Independent meant I found it hard to always respond or act correctly with a true Dom, such as with my pulling him across the road earlier in the evening. A trained sub would know better.  Our next sub/Dom moment came when I had said something which displeased him.  He asked me to look at him (I swear those eyes have magic powers) while he quietly explained what I had done wrong before asking if I understood to which I instinctively replied, ‘Yes Sir’.   He continued to hold my face firmly but softly while looking in to my eyes…I felt the brutal determination I had trained myself to have of not to show any fear or weakness utterly diminish and I let myself go and uncoil in his gentle touch.  Then he kissed me for the first time and I fell further still.  I was hooked.

He gave me his coat as he walked me back to his car.  For someone who expects nothing from anyone, this gesture was touching and I found myself wondering if this one was a good guy?  Despite the fact that his penchant for spanking and goodness knows that else would scare, upset and hurt any vanilla woman, to me, this only made him better.

A gentleman spanker – how ideal.



The Misunderstanding

The Misunderstanding

I hadn’t expected to meet my Dominant, Mr A. I was going for a blind date and thought nothing else of it beyond the usual ‘What shall I wear?’.  Having had a long, negative run with men in recent years, I was so very unbothered by the idea of a date and my chances of meeting anyone of interest that I went in jeans, flat shoes and barely a scrap of make up.   It would take someone special to make me want to care again for a while…exceptional good looks, or a perfect personality match.  Casual sex was out of the question too.  I’d have my fill of that and it bored me to tears.

We began to talk and laugh over coffee, and whilst I struggled to keep my thoughts on track when he took off his Raybans and revealed the most beautiful grey/blue eyes I have ever seen, I simply assumed he was a handsome, successful young man who was just out for what he could get.  This assumption of him turned me off and that was that, although our shared amusement at making a women want to get up and leave her neighbouring table due to our conversation topic was a great moment. “He’s a conversational freak like me”, i thought, “enjoying the bizarre and extending dark silliness to beyond the normal realms of the social norm.”

I went back to his to wait for my taxi as it was raining.  He went out to the kitchen for a moment and when he came back I was sat on a rather funny little rocking chair which had a furry cover.  “I knew you would sit there, it’s quirky like you” he said.  Something sparked in me.  So he had recognised something within my personality…at this early stage I had found it rare that a man would pick up on something personal (and entirely true) like that.  The most I’d get was “Your legs/bum looked amazing tonight.” Yeah, thanks for that!  I then went and looked at the photos on the shelves, bending over slightly as I did so.

Stay just like that”, he said,” that is a perfect image”.

How gorgeous of him – and that should have been the first sign of things to come.

In fact the next occurrence I picked up on which demonstrated Mr A to be different  from the rest was the text I received from him moments after I had left and before I had even got home, in the taxi which he had paid for.  No game playing, no making me wait 24 hours – just honest, “I really enjoyed meeting you today – I would like to see you again.x”  Hmmm, charming and thoughtful…and just a little too smooth?  I agreed to meet him again the following week but kept the others dates I had planned in the diary too. Despite my reservations about Mr A, there was something about those eyes which was too special to let go without a second date at least.

As with any 21st century courtship, we texted back and forth that night, and after a chance misunderstanding on my part over his use of the word ‘spanking’, (how one can use that word and misunderstand its representation is beyond me but apparently I did), it obviously touched a nerve in both of us as suddenly a deeper understanding of one another was born.  He explained that whilst I had read the sentence wrong and it had not been intended the way I understood it, he was in fact a ‘Dominant character’ and if that was too much for me then I should bow out now.  Not a chance.   A freudian slip it may have been, but I had misread that sentence because that is simply how my mind works…

and with his revelation in place, our conversation grew in depth and in intensity.

In my mind

We chatted late in to the night, feeling out the situation and discovering just how alike we really felt about the prospect of an s/D relationship and all of its ups and downs.  It was overwhelming but so refreshing for me to be able to discuss something which I had long desired but had never been able to fully express to anyone beyond the occasional tie-up bedroom play with past boyfriends.  He was worried that I was reacting to the literary worlds’ current Dominant character du jour, Mr Grey and I told him I have no time for a Dom who is only on paper – I want the real thing.

I explained that I don’t believe, as is often the perception, that s/D is purely about sexual gratification.  When people hear the term Submissive, the classic helpless, bound female image springs to mind.  Whilst this element appealed, it certainly was not the crux of my interest as I had held  a ‘Sub’s’ mindset for as long as I could recall meaning it stemmed from an entirely non sexual place.

Cuddled up and ready to be adored…the little girl in all of us just wants to be loved.

Being an intensely independent woman, running my own business whilst being a mother of one, I rarely allow anyone to take care of me or tell me what to do, instead taking that role with others.  The idea that I had found someone whose sometimes gentle, sometimes punishing hands, I could imagine placing myself in, was exciting in every way.  Mr A exuded confidence in the way he discussed his lifestyle choices, and I felt inexperienced by comparison, but I knew that by speaking from the heart, of my submissive instincts, that it wouldn’t matter how much or how little sub experience I had had – he would realise that I am one, albeit an untamed one.  It was hard to end the conversation, but by 1 a.m we were waning so we brought our second date forward by seven days to the very next day.



The True Diary Of A Submissive

The Concept

Being a submissive is not always an easy route to take, but in many ways it can be the most intensely intimate relationship one can hope to find themselves in.  What makes someone a submissive?  What could possibly make someone allow another human being to paddle their backside with a wooden brush until they are wretching in pain and then say thank you at the end of it and genuinely mean it? It is difficult to explain to anyone outside that world, the pleasure a submissive receives from knowing her Dominant is happy, whatever that means, and when it is done within her Hard Limits.


 You must remember that in its rawest form, being a submissive is as natural a mindset as being straight or gay.  It is the way you are made and the way your mind works as a way to bring you pleasure – whether that is physical or sexual pleasure, or as innocent as feeling emotionally safe in a warm embrace from your Dom.  In hindsight, before the path of submission came into my life, it felt pale by comparison.  Of course that is no direct reflection on the men who had been in my life up to that point.  Merely that between us, our minds and bodies could not hope to live up to what is possible between a submissive and her Dominant.

Being submissive does not make you weak or less worthy of a kind loving partner.  You should not expect to be walked over, disrespected or ridiculed just because you are inclined toward submitting.  If these are you aims as a submissive then I would suggest you are coming from a negative place and will struggle to find true, longterm peace with yourself or in your position within the relationship.   As with any relationship, the best foundation to build from is a steady one where the couple begin as two happy, independent individuals who ultimately want to bring positivity into each others’ lives.  The same must be said of a sub/Dom – more so even, because the nature of the relationship could become damaging if the demands made by the Dom come from a place of hate or a reaction to something wrong in their own life.

A sub is not a punchbag, metaphorically or literally.

If your path of submission is more than one night of sexual gratification with a playmate then you must be secure in your Dom’s love for you before you can hope to get any kind of satisfaction or release from him and the situation.  Without the respect, this type of relationship could seriously damage the sub’s psyche and happiness.

Sub/Dom should not be a dependent relationship but co-dependent – each partner offering something to the other in return for openness, honestly, love and willingness to explore and push each other both physically and mentally in ways that those outside that world would struggle to understand as joy, pleasure or love.

Your Dominant should keep you on the pedestal he put you on by choosing to take you as his sub.

The sub’s health and happiness must be at the heart of his every decision.  In turn, the sub must willingly give their Dom their complete submission to fulfill activities as their respectful Dom sees fit – this may be for his own sexual or personal gain but by fulfilling the Dominant’s wishes, the submissive will also gain pleasure and satisfaction.  Pleasing him is her aim.  It is this mutual understanding and respect which takes it from Slave/Master which is also a legitate relationship type but one which can slip into a negative grey area if the Master is not careful.


As with any 21st century relationship of equals, or unless it is expressed and discussed and the sub is going in willingly, the Dom should not use the sub for his every demand or whim.  Neither should he humiliate the sub for his own personal pleasure. Everything is relative and one persons’ Hard Limit will vary greatly to another’s.  Some sub’s give up total control of every aspect of their life; others agree to give up sexual control only, while others want all their limits to be pushed so as to feel, both physically & emotionally, the complete depths and dizzying heights of human nature.

This is me.