It wasn’t so much that I had done wrong, but just that He had decided that tonight I was his to do as he pleased regardless of my needs.  Being off my pedastal was sometimes the best place for me and when I was up there it was a destination I occasionally longed to be in.

As he circled me I could feel his eyes boring in to me, and the command to not look at him, even for a second was a hard one to follow.  I felt his body come up behind me and the tips of his fingers pluck my bra straps over my shoulders, before they brushed down my arms from shoulder to wrist – it made my skin goose bump and a shiver rush through me.

In a split second my breasts were free of my black bra’s silky binding and i felt my nipples harden at the touch of air on them mixed with the breath I could feel on my neck.  I felt his right hand move silently round my body and trace up from my hip, across my stomach, between my breasts and up to my collar bone where it rested, for a second to feel my pounding heart’s vibrations and my heavy breathing which was only getting worse with every passing moment.  His hand then encircled my neck and gripped, not hard, but enough for me to know who was in charge..as though I could forget.

His breath at my ear and the words “You are mine Little One…tonight I will do with you as I see fit. Do you understand.”  I could hardly disagree.  My beating heart made my answer come out in a breathy swoosh as I whispered “Yes Sir”.

I was still in my black lace french knickers with my curly hair down my back when he asked me to close my eyes.  I felt the blindfold cover them and fasten into place. Next my collar was placed around my neck…the one used for harder sessions such as this…3 inches wide, black leather…it felt so good against my hot skin and as it tightened I fell deeper into my trance.  I was His.

That was enough ‘soft’ for him.  As he stood in front of me I felt his hands in my hair, winding their way through the curls and piling it into his palms before the pressure to drop to my knees began.  Once down, my mouth eagerly opened and awaited him.  He knew how to tease me…making me wait for his cock was his favourite game and I could imagine the wry smile on his face and I knelt there becoming impatient but trying to remain calm so as to avoid further punishment.

I stuck out my tongue and licked, tilting my head upwards gently as I did so and was rewarded with the tip of his cock already slick with pre-cum. I couldn’t imagine how wet I must be by this point already even though he had barely touched me and by the sounds of it wouldn’t be either…this session was His and I had to remember that. Tonight I was his slave.

I caught the head him in between my lips and sucked enjoying the pressure on my jaw at the swollen size of him.  Opening my mouth wider I took in all I could, my throat strained against him as I forced him further still.  My gag reflex enjoys a challenge…he was certainly giving me that as the hands entwined in my hair gripped hard and held me in place.  His words rang out: ‘Do not act without instruction”…I knew I had gone ahead and begun without his say-so but I thought surely he couldn’t punish me for this?!  Apparently he could and as he held my head in place firmly, he began moving his cock in and out of my mouth hard, pushing back into my throat with every thrust.  I whimpered without warning and felt myself getting wetter with every movement.  I tried to lift my head up and away as by this point I was so turned on I was struggling to breathe through my nose alone…which resulted in one final thrust before one hand still in my hair pulled me from his cock and pushed my head down to the ground.

I could feel him circle me, my hair moving with his hands and him kneeling behind me.  Fingers entered my now soaking pussy before pushing into my ass.  I knew what was coming next…there had been no warm up, was I relaxed enough? I felt my body go entirely weak, my head sagged, I felt my nipples just brush against the floor as my body naturally lowered down in response to the sudden releasing of tension. My hands positioned under my forehead stopped my head banging onto the floor as his hand released my hair and take one arse cheek in each.  His cock in position, there was nothing else to happen except for him to remind me “this isn’t for you…if I let you come you will thank me after by sucking my cock clean. Do you understand.” Words words words…it takes so little to push me over the edge and and his sudden thrust into me meant that my answer was lost in my cry.

I was relaxed enough – just – but the first four or five thrusts still shot pain through my body.  It’s rare that my sheer discomfort can turn him on – my pain at his hands has a purpose 95% of the time…but sometimes, he just wants to use and abuse what’s his and I’m more than happy to let him.

As he pushed into me over and over, his breathing ragged and hands hands still holding my ass cheeks apart I could feel my pleasure rising up and knew that it would soon be all too much.  I was losing control. His warning, “Don’t you dare” was lost on me…somehow the mixture of pleasure and pain, trying to halt the imminent orgasm and knowing that I all I could do was defy him as my animal instinct took over pushed me entirely over the edge. I tried to ask for permission, but I don’t think it was heard.

I could feel him take my hair hard in his hand again and pull my head back sharply…it only exacerbated the situation further, but in the best possible way and my orgasm screamed to a roaring finish.  His self control was waning…I could feel him getting harder and thicker as he neared and the pressure inside me brought on another round of pleasure as he held me firm – one hand in hair and one grabbing my waist.

I knew that despite my defiance and coming without permission, his need to use me was done with and that there would be no further punishment except maybe a few extra swipes at my next spanking. After that session though it would be more than worth it.

Sub Without A Dom.

Time away from a submissive lifestyle has been a journey of changes. Some habits which I built up during by D/s time have stuck around, some stayed for a while, some disappeared fairly rapidly.

 

Being submissive is far from my nature – whether that nature is from the lifestyle choices I have made, situations I have gone through in my life or a nature I was purely born with. I am independent, confident, sociable, dominant at times, occasionally bratty but also kind, loving, loyal, honest, thoughtful and respectful toward those who deserve it. Submissiveness does not actually feature in the run down of attributes I would describe myself with.

 

But that is because for me, it is a chosen attribute. Being a submissive is a place in my mind I like to go to. Some read, some drink, some go to the gym…i like to be bound and spanked, to write lines, be given instruction, serve my Dominant. It’s a choice. Unlike a submissive nature. I had to work, if you can call it that, with my Dom to achieve any real level of submissiveness, but I found that it came fairly naturally. It just took a few layers of hard and fast, unhealthy independence to break in to that part of myself.

 

But now, free of the Dominant power, I am free falling a bit, and not in a good way. Whilst in some ways the lack of threat to be paddled until red raw is quite freeing, I find I am missing that boundary. As much as I loved to hate that pain and the threat that it could happen if I misbehaved, I now find myself wishing that I had those limits still in place. I can only assume that I liked how having the paddle at the back of my mind allowed me to stay and wallow in the submissive mindset. If I overstepped the mark with a cheeky response, a bratty remark, an overly dominant action…I could almost sense the scratch on that tally at the end of which that paddle would be appearing and I’d find myself straddled and bound to the chair awaiting my fate.

 

I don’t want to retreat back to my old habits. Submission changed me only for the good. It saved me from a persona that I disliked as I built a hardened wall around to protect myself. I disliked myself, I disliked what and who I had become and how could anyone love someone who didn’t even like themselves? Having a Dominant opened my eyes to being gentle, and respectful, and calm, and peaceful…and whilst I can’t promise I was always all those things…I loved that I could be those things if I chose. Sub became as real a person as the independent woman I had been before. I liked sub…I liked me…at last…I was a person I liked and it made me realise I was lovable and deserved so much more than I had had before.

 

Now, though, without a Dominant to remind me of my sub everyday, I can of course still be respectful, gentle, calm. I am as much in control of how I act now as I was then…but without someone who fully understands or appreciates how far I have come to get to this point, and why being those things is so important and therapeutic to me, it is hard to keep it up I have found. Habit lasts – but only for so long if left unchecked. And now the habit is slipping as I find myself able to get away with remarks and comments which would have been deemed a step too far with my Dominant.

 

Why I do it I don’t know. I suppose I can only blame a lack of external, Dominant control for so long. I suppose I just want sub to be appreciated – I want to be cheeky and overstep boundaries and press those buttons again – but instead of being met with a look which makes my heart stop, they are met with a laugh or nothing…so I push more buttons, I say something brattier and cheekier…ever trying to get the reaction I know isn’t coming.

I don’t like it. I can’t stop it.